Parachutes

**This is an "essay" I wrote for one of my friends Psych labs last year - it was meant as a complete joke, but he turned it in anyways.... And just so you know, he didn't get any credit for it. Writing it was pretty amusing though.    

      The other day, I was riding in a jet at 33,000 feet. I was training for a secret mission that cannot be disclosed here. Eventually the jet lost an engine because a gnat flew into it and made it explode. I had to jump out and eventually I was able to open my parachute otherwise I would be dead right now. As a released my parachute, I got whiplash (I found out after I landed that I would need to wear a ridiculous neck brace). Before I landed, I saw where I was directed, and I was headed right towards the bears lair of the local neighborhood zoo. I feared for my life, so I blew air up into the parachute and was able to change directions. I ended up landing in the alligators swamp. I quickly untied myself from the parachute and proceeded to walk across the water on the alligators noses. The alligators were snapping, shoes were flying off, “and then the fists were flying and the other guy grabs a brick” (Horton Hears a Who!). Eventually, I made it out of the swamp with only my right leg missing. I considered myself rather fortunate to have survived at all. As I was making my way to the exit of the zoo, a group of girl scouts surrounded me. They threatened to beat me up if I didn't buy their cookies. They were such a nasty looking group of girls that I just had to give them all my money. I basically had no choice. I didn't even get my cookies. Then, a koala bear came out of nowhere! It was fat and mean looking, so naturally, I took it home with me. I classically conditioned it to bring me salami every morning when my alarm went off. After a few weeks of this, my koala bear died because my neighbor shot it with his sniper rifle. See, we were training for the same secret mission that day that I was in the jet and crashed because a gnat flew into the engine and made it explode. My neighbor lost his eye. Yeah. Then my neighbor and I played a thrilling game of monopoly. I won and then my neighbor had to buy me a yacht. But I didn't have any water to put it in so I put it in my bath tub. It was a really big bath tub, you see. Eventually, I found some parachutes in my yacht and they reminded me of the day I parachuted out of the jet at 33,000 feet and landed in the alligator swamp of our local neighborhood zoo. A few days later, I was doing some observational research while observing a pride of lions in Africa. Africa is a beautiful place, you see. I spent many a day on a safari there while I observed this pride of lions. Then, one day, one of the lions attacked me! I tried to run for my life, but I only had one leg because the other was gnawed off by alligators! The lion bit off my ear! Now I’m a man with only one leg and one ear!