The Five Stages of Grief

Sleep has become an impossibility. It's the one time during the day that I don't have anything to distract me. Memories of my now late grandfather consume me and I am racked with pure grief. I try to pull myself together long enough to get at least a few decent hours of rest, however, when that finally happens, my unconscious is completely enveloped by scenes of death and fear. When I'm laying in bed, undistracted by room mates and school work, that is the only time this seems real to me. It's the only time I actually realize that my beloved Grandpa is gone.

~*~

Psychology tells us there are five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance. Denial is something I understand; it's something I felt during the first few hours of his death. It's something I continue feel when I see pictures of him - so alive, so well. Denial is my favorite of the five stages. It's the one emotion that makes me feel better. If I'm able to convince myself that it isn't real, then I can make it through each day. Denial doesn't work at night though. No, bed time is when Anger comes in. Anger towards the doctors who couldn't save him; anger towards God for taking him away from me; anger towards my Grandmother for wishing she could've gone with him. Anger towards myself for not being able to control anything - not even my own emotions.

I can't bring myself to bargain with God for my Grandpa's life. It makes me feel cheap - like I didn't do enough while he was still here to keep him here; like I know that it is already too late to work - or maybe I'm just afraid that it really will. Bargaining makes me realize all the things I regret - all the things I feel guilty about - like not making sure he knew that I loved him; like breaking promise after promise to spend the weekend with him and my Grandma; like moving away to go to school when I could've been here spending time with him.

Luckily, the extent to which I am sad more than makes up for my lack of bargaining. The sadness is all consuming. I think that denial, sadness, and anger go hand in hand. Right after I convince myself that he's not gone, I realize that he is. Sadness is the reason I can't sleep. The emotion engulf's me to the point that I can't breathe or move or do anything other than lay there and cry - and then I get so angry at myself because I can't stop crying. All I want is acceptance. All I need is acceptance.

Acceptance is the Mother Land. It's the one stage that I don't cycle through day after day. I want to be done denying his death. I want to be done being angry at everyone for stupid reasons. I want to be able to control my own emotions again. I want to be done being sad. I want to be done crying myself to sleep night after night. I want to accept the fact that my Grandfather is gone. Not forever. No, not forever - just for now.

Tonight and tomorrow morning, I will be attending the viewing and funeral services for one of the best men I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. Perhaps after tomorrow, acceptance will come a little easier.

Charles Ray Hancey (1925 - 2011)

OGDEN - Charles Ray Hancey, 85, died Saturday, March 19, 2011, of causes incident to age.

He was born May 8, 1925, in Hyde Park, Utah, to Florence and Leander Hancey. As one of 11 children at the family home, he was not a stranger to hard work. His earliest job was herding cows with the help of his dog, Token, and helping to grow much of the food for his family. Though a lifelong resident of Ogden, Cache Valley was always home.

Along with two brothers, he was drafted into the United States armed services and served honorably in the Navy during World War II in the South Pacific. He was one of the "Greatest Generation" to love his country and fight for peace. His service to the United States continued as a civil servant working for the Internal Revenue Service for 33 years.

Chuck loved all sports but was especially fond of playing, coaching and watching baseball. He took great pride in his careful, manicured yard and garden. Despite some recent serious health issues, he always had hope for the future as was evident in the flowers seeds he ordered just a few days before his passing and the hundreds of tulips, daffodils and crocus planted last fall that are just now emerging.

He was a lifelong and faithful member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and served with absolute honesty and integrity in many ward and stake financial clerk positions. Most recently, Elder and Sister Hancey served as missionaries in the genealogy department in Salt Lake City. His posterity would all agree his greatest church service was as a husband, father, grandfather, great-grandfather and patriarch to the family he cherished. "When such a father from us departs, we hold forever in our hearts - a sweet and hallowed memory, bringing us nearer, Lord, to thee."

On Feb. 8, 1952, he married his eternal companion, Zona Allen, in the Logan LDS Temple.

The eternal legacy of love and family he started lives on in his wife, Zona; children, Shauna (Dave) Christiansen, Ogden; Jana (Craig) Manscill, Lindon; LaRaun (Dave) Nielsen, Harrisville; Heidi (Lyle) Bauer, Calgary, Canada; Chad (Tracy) Hancey, Layton; 28 grandchildren and 23 great-grandchildren.

He is also survived by his brother, Maurice Hancey, and sister, LaFaye (Wayne) Bankhead; two brothers-in-law, Jim Morgan and NaRae Ormond; and three sisters-in-law, Pat Hancey, Rosalie Hancey and Jackie Hancey.

He was preceded in death by his parents, three brothers, five sisters and twin granddaughters.

Funeral services will be held Friday, March 25, at 11 a.m. at Rock Cliff 2nd Ward Chapel, 1000 Suncrest Drive, Ogden.

Family will meet friends at Lindquist's North Ogden Mortuary, 2140 N. Washington on Thursday from 6 to 8 p.m. and Friday at the Ward Chapel 9:45 to 10:45 a.m.

Interment, Lindquist's Memorial Gardens of the Wasatch, 1718 Combe Road, South Ogden where Military Honors will be accorded by the Combined Veterans Honor Guard.

In lieu of flowers, the family requests financial donations be made to Primary Children's Medical Center.

Send condolences to the family at: www.lindquistmortuary.com.

In these next couple of days, we will not be mourning his death; we will be celebrating his life and his legacy.